Non/Attachment: Mindful Parenting

When people think of mindfulness they sometimes mistakenly believe that sitting quietly is self-centered. Parents seem to really struggle with this concept. For certain, there are a limited amount of hours in a day and making space for a practice is extremely difficult. However, there is growing evidence that mindfulness actually helps people to be more engaged in relationships. If mindfulness can help us to be more effective in building and maintaining relationships this might encourage parents and even people in general positive justifications for taking a few minutes of silence to practice mindfulness. But how does a practice that teaches non-attachment lead to healthy attachment?

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Attachment Theory

Attachment is an emotional bond between people that is healthy, deep and enduring that can span across time and space. This strong emotional bond gives those who experience attachment a sense of security. By having someone we can depend on deeply then regardless of what happens, even tragic situations, we are grounded in a healthy relationship that we can look to for support. Through attachment we can develop “attunement” which is a neurological process that helps us understand and connect more deeply with others. For some people their parents are the first relationships that help them form attachment and attunement. For other people the relationship with their parents do not support healthy attachment which makes it more difficult to form healthy relationships with other people outside the family unit. At this point, some people like me say, “I didn’t get everything I needed (or think I needed) as a kid.¬†Well, I am screwed.” But not all is lost! There is hope!

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Daniel J. Siegel writes in his book The Mindful Brain about COAL, the foundational mindfulness practices of Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love. He writes,

COAL is exactly what parents who provide secure attachment to their children have as a mental stance toward them. We can propose that the interpersonal attunement of secure attachment between parent and child is paralleled by an intrapersonal form of attunement in mindful awareness. Both forms of attunement promote the capacity for intimate relationships, resilience and well-being (Siegel, 2007, pg. 26)

Mindfulness helps to the practitioner to develop those skills and the neurological framework similar to those that some people get from their parents. This gives me hope because through mindfulness I am developing a better relationship with myself and others. Through developing attunement in myself I find people more easily I can trust and can more easily identify people whom I can care about from a distance. Even during stressful times I am able to remain grounded in a way that was not possible before being a mindful practice. I have a better sense of overall well-being. My relationship with my children continues to develop in a more productive way.

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One more important point that the discussion of healthy attachment and the mindfulness practice raises is to the question that many parents ask ourselves, “Am I messing up my kids?” Ultimately we do the best we can with the information and skills that we have. The hopeful insight is that even if we make mistakes as parents, which we will, our children have the ability, through mindfulness practice to develop and strengthen those areas where we as parents fall short. With some dedication and responsible practice we can all heal ourselves a little more one breath at a time!

 

 

Mindful Parenting

One reason I began Possibilities Exist is provide mindfulness training for children and youth. Anyone who is around young people knows that mindfulness is very much needed and that those skills can be beneficial for the rest of their lives. While this is still very much my desire I find myself writing articles directed toward parents. While taking a walk yesterday (the time in which I let my mind wander, explore and imagine possibilities) I realized that the work of providing parents information is extremely important. As a parent and public school teacher I continue to understand the impact my own personal practice of mindfulness can have on my kids.

When talking with someone at Mindful Schools (the place where I continue to get mindfulness education) about getting educators trained in teaching mindfulness to students I was told, “While it is important to teach the students mindfulness it is more important to have mindful teachers.” I brushed this off as a nice idea but I felt it was more important to teach kids.

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I am not finding the gem of truth in that statement. As a parent I now know that “while it is important to teach my kids mindfulness it is more important to have be a mindful parent.” There are many reasons why it is more important for me as parent to practice mindfulness than my kids to learn it. By practicing mindfulness I am modeling more positive behaviors which my kids begin to learn, I respond differently creating a more positive atmosphere and ultimately I am better at being a parent. Just like stated on airplanes, “Put on your mask before assisting your children.” If I am not nourishing myself and coming from a place of mindfulness my entire family is in jeopardy of chaos.

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I am not diminishing in any way the importance of young people learning mindfulness. I am continuing to teach classes and will post articles directed specifically to children and young people. But right now I am going to intentionally focus on creating some resources and feedback on mindful parenting. So, let’s figure out how to practice this thing called mindfulness before we move on to assisting our children in formally learning mindfulness. Let’s begin!